A wholehearted relationship is a relationship with passion, mutual respect, a strong heart-to-heart connection, oh and hot s*x! This is a relationship with fire, in which you regularly feel the warmth and love in your chest.

This is in stark contrast to most long-term relationships in which both partners close their hearts over time and at best feel half-heartedly about each other. This is only natural. We do this to protect our hearts from hurt and disappointment. However it stops us from experiencing the true joy of love, and so it often drives us to resent each other, get defensive and fight, or even to chase the fleeting joyous naivety of starting a whole new relationship.

In a wholehearted relationship, you may still experience jealousy, disappointment, resentment, conflict, and even questioning the relationship or fantasising about others, but there are key differences:

• The frequency and intensity of issues are less and the relationship gets stronger over time.
• Committing to lifelong partnership or marriage gets easier.

This is rare in the modern era. In the past marriage and lifelong commitment was common. People did it because it was expected. Whether they felt joy or loved each other had very little to do with it.

In the modern era, we want to have our cake and eat it too. And why not! We want to be in relationships that bring us joy and if we marry we want to marry for love and have that love last. Too often however the love doesn’t last. And the modern addiction to relationship roulette kicks in. Let’s give the wheel another spin, see whether this next relationship is any easier or any better.

This is quite tempting. And yet what’s harder to appreciate is how precious and wonderful a wholehearted and committed lifelong relationship can be. A wholehearted relationship is rewarding, fulfilling, and mutually supportive without becoming codependent. It allows you to stand on your own two feet and shine as an individual while knowing there’s always someone who’s got your back and will support you if they can. It allows you to learn and grow together in ways you can’t as a single person.

It’s not about them completing you, or losing yourself, or becoming attached at the hip. It’s two independent adults who do life together and put each other second in their hearts, just after number 1, themselves.

Now fair warning, being in a wholehearted relationship takes work. To get this right, you need the commitment to keep working on yourself and the relationship. There will always be disappointments, challenges, and temptations that will tempt you to close your heart. Luckily these are the source of the most personal growth. These can be tricky to navigate, so it’s a good idea to work with a relationship coach or mentor.

Until next time, take care of your heart and it will take care of you.